How to move from Conflicts to Collaboration with 2 Powerful Easy Steps

The quality of our lives depends not on whether or not we have conflicts, but on how we respond to them.
Tom Crum



Lately, most of my consultations revolved around difficult conversation and people struggling with conflict management find themselves in the middle of Conflicts; unable to salvage the situation or the relationship both at work and home. People are inherently different, and conflict simply happens when those differences come to light.  Let’s review Conflict

Is Conflict always negative?

False. Although conflict is often unpleasant, it can be a catalyst for positive changes.

Is Conflict always violent?

False. When managed properly, conflict can be peaceful and productive.

Is Conflict is inevitable?

True. Conflict occurs whenever two or more people interact. In fact, it’s even possible to have an inner conflict with yourself.

So anyone can experience conflict?

True. Conflict happens to everyone, so it is important to be prepared.

So assuming conflict is negative is not true, infact conflict in inevitable. Viewing conflict in this way can help us maximize the possible positive outcomes of the problem at hand. Equipped with a conflict resolution process, people can explore and understand those differences, and use them to interact in a more positive, productive way.

I have enlisted two sections here; these may just help your conflicts run a little more smoothly!

1)    Understand Conflicts with the help of a Powerful Model and,

2)    Be Aware of your Conflict Resolution Styles on a Scale

 

SECTION 1

Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

Stephen Covey

Understanding Conflict with the help of the Iceberg Model: ‘The Assumption Iceberg’ is a simple but powerful concept that you may find useful for both yourself and your clients. It comes from "The Joy Of Conflict Resolution: Transforming Victims, Villains And Heroes In The Workplace And At Home" by Gary Harper.


THE ASSUMPTION ICEBERG  

So, have you heard the old saying, "We judge ourselves by our intentions - and others by their actions"?  Let’s explore this model

In a conflict, we know where WE are coming from - our motives and what we intend - and so this is how we judge OUR behavior. On the other hand, we only experience the IMPACT of the other person's behavior on us. We make ASSUMPTIONS about their MOTIVES - without knowing what they ACTUALLY intended. This difference is crucial - and of course we tend to make more assumptions (and be more certain about them) when it's our spouse or someone we know well.

It's precisely these assumptions (or mind-reading in NLP speak) that puts us and others on the defensive. When both sides treat these assumptions as 'truth' even though there is no proof it leaves people feeling misunderstood, judged or criticized. It's hard for ANYONE to be reasonable and resolve conflicts from this state of mind.

So, what's the answer? Well the way to move away from assumptions and mind-reading is to keep an open mind and approach the situation using some of the below mentioned processes. And "The Assumption Iceberg" says that while we all see the incident (what is said and done), the vast majority of information is still waiting to be uncovered - hidden beneath the surface, just like an iceberg.

We can move away from judging and assuming by following the below mentioned processes

I.              Asking Open Questions

When possible, use the five W’s or the H to ask a question.

 

·       Who?

·       What?

·       Where?

·       When?

·       Why?

·       How?

These questions encourage discussion, self-evaluation, and open conversation. Some useful questions for conflict resolution include:

 

·       What happened?

·       Why do you feel that way?

·       When did this problem start?

·       How does that make you feel?

·       Who else is involved?

 

II.            The Agreement Frame

The Agreement Frame can be used in any situation to explain your viewpoint in an assertive, non-confrontational way, without watering your position down. It is designed to encourage discussion and information sharing between all parties. Although it can be used in many situations, it is particularly effective in conflict resolution.

 

The Agreement Frame takes one of three forms:

 

·       I appreciate, and…

·       I respect, and…

·       I agree, and…

Here is an example of the Agreement Frame (workplace conflict) in use.

Person A: The best way to resolve this conflict is for you to resign your position immediately.

Person B: I respect your opinion, and I think that there might be some other viable options.

Person A: What options were you considering?

Person B: I think that if I issued an apology to the team for the misunderstanding that we would be on our way to resolving the conflict.

Person A: I think that option is too low-key for this situation.

Person B: I agree that it might not be a strong enough statement and I may need to have team meetings to address the underlying issues.


As each person shares more of their perspective it makes the bottom part of the iceberg visible and promotes understanding.

Once both people have uncovered the iceberg, finding a resolution is much easier. Then they simply LOOK TOGETHER for answers which meets both people’s needs.

 


 

SECTION II

Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.

William James

 

Conflict Resolution: First let’s check your conflicts resolution style on the Scale. There are five widely accepted styles of resolving conflicts. These were originally developed by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in the 1970’s. We have even designed our conflict resolution process so that it can be used in conjunction with these styles.

  

CONFLICT RESOLUTION STYLE

______________________________________________________________________________________

COMPETING       COMPROMISING       COLLABORAING       ACCOMODATING             AVOIDING  


Aggressive-----------------------------------------Assertive----------------------------------------Passive Aggressive

 

Competing

 

With a competitive approach, the person in conflict takes a firm stand. They compete with the other party for power, and they typically win (unless they’re up against someone else who is competing!) This style is often seen as aggressive, and can often be the cause of other people in the conflict to feeling injured or stepped on.

 

Compromising

With the compromising approach, each person in the conflict gives up something that contributes towards the conflict resolution.

 

Accommodating

The accommodating style is one of the most passive conflict resolution styles. With this style, one of the parties in conflict gives up what they want so that the other party can have what they want. In general, this style is not very effective, but it is appropriate in certain scenarios.

 

Avoiding

The last approach is to avoid the conflict entirely. People who use this style tend to accept decisions without question, avoid confrontation, and delegate difficult decisions and tasks. Avoiding is another passive approach that is typically not effective, but it does have its uses.

 

Collaborating

With the collaborating approach, the parties work together to develop a win-win solution. This approach promotes assertiveness (rather than aggressiveness or passiveness).

 

Though all styles are context driven, and can be appropriate in certain situations, I use the Collaborative Style in my Conflict Resolution Process with the help off the Assumption Iceberg as an Awareness Tool for understanding the blind spots.

Conflict can come in many forms, and our process will help you in any situation. Below, you can find a brief overview of our Conflict Resolution Process which is outlined for both individuals and organizations.

 

Conflict Resolution Process 


Kalpana Khot- ICF Certified Life / Executive Coach, NLP Master Practitioner, (EQ)Emotional Intelligence Assessor - her client are the one's who want to live and lead wholeheartedly with a courage and power rooted deeply in values and purpose. She helps her clients embrace their signature strengths which further empowers them explore and develop what will have them really thrive as resilient leaders. If you want to find your strengths and top 3 Strategies to explore your leadership potential connect with Kalpana on email : info@kalpanakhot.com or LinkedIn here>>

Comments

  1. Collective Intelligence25 July 2022 at 10:43

    Thank you for another insightful article. Where else might someone obtain that kind of knowledge written in such a professional manner? I have a presentation coming up next week, and I'm looking for relevant information. Business and Executive Coaching

    ReplyDelete

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