Learning to Hold Difficult Feelings and Gathering Resources to deal with Emotional States

Client: Reeta* (* name changed for privacy) a Young Architect, having her own firm, practicing for 3 years graduated with Degree with one of the top Architectural Universities.

Back Ground: For a young and effervescent 31 year old Reeta, born and brought up in an independent family & free environment where she believed speaking her mind and following her instincts to make decisions was a way of life. Things went helter-skelter post her marriage which was not in concurrence with her parents wishes. A typical case in Indian Society where the women is made to feel guilty for her decisions pre and post marriage and in the interim faces emotional as well as cultural challenges from the environment which creates a sense of loss of identity in herself. This leads to a collapse first in the inner states and effects relationships as it’s difficult to interact with people because of their perceptions about her. At every juncture then she has to prove herself and it becomes a burden to handle your own feelings.

Effect : This loss of self belief, self esteem is seen as you stop performing at your peak in your professional life followed by issues related to the physical body like weight gain, excessive binge eating, typically getting in a low primitive ego state. You tend to lose your competitive edge and confidence which is evident in the physiology as well as emotional states as the two are deeply inter-connected.

In Conversation with the Coach (some excerpts)

Q: What was the issue you needed to resolve and how was it affecting your internal states.

A: After getting married irrespective of my parents opposition I had a guilt of hurting them. I realized this guilt only after my initial consultation with Kalpana. At that moment I realized that I needed help to overcome this guilt. While in the first session itself I became aware of many hidden issues related to my relationship with my husband and in laws. These issues were making me feel upset all the time. From a very easy going person I was becoming the one who whines all the time. I wanted to change the power that people had over me. I refused to adhere to their demands at the same time sabotaged my needs, wants & desires. I wanted to be independent emotionally as well as financially.

 Q: If you were to review what you've practiced so far, where you are now. 

A: Each session made me focus on the positive aspect of life and output. I started putting my energy into right direction and stopped wasting energy on negative aspects. Today I can manage all the factors in my life with balanced vision. I have lovely relation with my husband. My relationship with my parents has been back to normal. Today I am moving towards best version of myself and I am confident I will accomplish my desired goals very soon. Thank you so much for the transformation.

Q: What do you like best about coaching and what is/was your biggest learning? 

A: Each session was peek inside my thoughts, beliefs and inner voice. The sessions were framed in such manner that it made me aware of my inner strength. My biggest learning was I could segregate the issues to pay attention to and trigger points to ignore. I have developed healthy habits and am able to sustain them more than effectively.

Q: How do you FEEL as a result of Coaching?

A: I feel more confident, independent and in control of my own choices. I don’t let other control my happiness and my mood.

Q: Can you share specific results / outcomes you achieved as a result of coaching How did the coaching help you to contribute to those results?

A. Emotional Stability, healthy relationships at personal & professional level, enhanced creativity, and biggest take away is self realization and empowerment as I am aware of my triggers and can handle my thoughts effectively. I have developed rituals to take me towards my goal. Kalpana helped me believe in myself again.

Reeta’s Message to Women who resonate with her Story: “A life transforming experience one must go through and see themselves as a new version of themselves. The person they always wanted to be. As my coach Kalpana says,transformation to butterflydom”.

Under the Coach’s Lens:

Humans are masters at rationalization. They find good reasons for their behaviour even when it's destructive (self sabotage in case of Reeta). If we coach clients to take simple steps to change their behaviours, they might thank you and commit to new action. This commitment might not last. When people have been stuck in destructive or unproductive behaviours for a long time, a transactional, problem-solving approach is not that effective. Instead, these clients need the coach to take a stronger, more transformational approach.

In such cases we drill holes in logic and ask questions & conduct practices that reveal the fears, needs, and desires that keep the client's constructs in place. The reaction to bringing these things to light will register somewhere between slight discomfort and an emotional outpour.

Therefore, negative emotions can be a good sign (in this case excessive procrastination or passive communication) 

When people realize they have blocked a truth they should have seen, they may feel mortified, angry, or sad (in this case guilt of parent’s disapproval, anger by being overridden by spouse). They begin to question their past perceptions and behaviour. It is in this moment of uncertainty that behavioural learning occurs. [1] A clearer and broader understanding of the situation can emerge. [2] This breakthrough in thinking creates the new awareness, which is accompanied by a range of possible emotions from embarrassment to relief.

Kalpana’s expertise lies in creating Breakthroughs: She believes the more you can get the neurons sparking in the brains of your clients, the greater the chance for a breakthrough in awareness to occur. She works with women entrepreneurs; professional and executives who wish to thrive as leaders with emphasis on Emotional Breakthroughs and attaining Peak Performance States through Emotional Intelligence and NLP as tools for driving generative change at all levels.